Losing Everything
by the-anonymous-c
Summary: Remus Lupin is used to losing. Take a look from the eyes of a twelve year old werewolf, a victim of fate. :ONESHOT:


**Disclaimer: I don't own anything Harry Potter. Or Remus (I wish…) **

**a/n: Alright, so don't think I'm turning into a oneshot person here…it's an idea Ashley (onlyonceinforever) and I had about doing something little and sweet (or angsty, whatever) for our ever so loveable Remus Lupin on his special day! HAPPY B-DAY, REMUS!**

It was noon. The time of day that most of the students at Hogwarts were buzzing around happily (or not so), going to their classes, or quite possibly a delicious lunch in the Great Hall, and chatting to each other without a care in the world, except for homework.

Remus Lupin was not one of them.

The pain seared through his limbs, stronger than he thought he could stand. Remus didn't dare move for fear that he would find a new place on him that was hurt, bleeding, or worse. A heavy, throbbing ache thudded painfully through his twelve year old body. He had just returned from his stint in the hospital wing, and was for the first time in several hours, fully conscious.

And yet, he would get through this. He had ever since he was five.

He remembered the day that changed his life forever as if it had been centuries ago, but the memory was perfectly imprinted in his mind. For Remus, it seemed as if there _had _been no time before that, no time which he could reach for for safety, no time when he could say he had ever been… _normal_.

He had been out in his backyard around dusk, when he knew he really should be indoors. His mother should be calling him in soon, but for now he could continue to wander at his leisure.

Remus had taken a seat on a wooden bench tilted at an odd angle just on the fringe of the woods, swinging his small legs out and back, and staring at the moon, big and round in the sky. Unlike most young children his age, he was shy and reserved, never the first one to join a group of other children for fear they might not accept him. And so he had always hung back, watching them laugh and play with a wistful expression on his face.

This was the reason why Remus had been in his yard in the first place, instead of the park across the street, where there were games and one or two other kids always hanging around. His mother had offered to take him safely across the street, but he had declined with a small blush.

Remus could not deny that to this very day, he blamed himself to some degree for what had happened to him; if only he had been like other children, if only he hadn't been so stupid. Even then he supposed he hadn't been normal. So what was another difficulty…?

Remus could not remember the actual bite coming, or the details of the werewolf that had done it. Only that it had come from behind, and when he screamed, it had been too late.

What he could remember was crying. Crying, staring in wide-eyed innocent horror as the blood flowed from his wound. His mother had come rushing out into the yard, followed by his father, who had just come home, but of course by the time they came the beast had long since vanished.

Remus hadn't comprehended what it was that had happened to him, but he knew that his Daddy and Mum were worried. Worried and scared. And now, thinking back on it, he had to wonder if it wasn't him they were scared of at the edge of their minds?

That night marked the end of Remus Lupin's childhood. Next would come the pain that no child should ever have to experience. It would make him older at heart than others his age, more tired. All in all, a misfit.

Hogwarts had been more than Remus had imagined. On the train ride over, he brought some books to read, and politely moved over to allow three other boys into his compartment.

These boys had been friendly, and Remus was hopeful but shy and doubtful, as always. He was surprised they hadn't been able to see through him, see the monster he really was. But they hadn't.

James, Sirius and Peter had become his best friends at Hogwarts, and Remus felt that he was the luckiest person ever. His new friends had been so bold, so outgoing, so fun. Though they found the learning and schoolbooks a bit boring, Remus was fascinated by it all. And though he never quite dared to pull pranks as dangerous as those his friends seemed to really enjoy, he enjoyed watching them. Sometimes he would even help them out in a quiet, background way. It was the most Remus had laughed in his life. And if they tended to be a bit mean at times, or out of control, Remus turned his head in the other direction.

Because he had had friends. For once in his life, Remus Lupin had friends that cared about him.

That had been only just over a year ago. Many transformations had come and went monthly, and Remus dreaded them much as ever. But what he dreaded more than ever was the silent, lurking fear in the back of his mind that one day, they would find out. One day, they would _know._

And then they would look on him in disgust, talk about him behind his back, or just turn and run in plain fright. And Remus would once again, be alone. He would have lost them.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

The portrait opening of the Gryffindor common room swung open to allow a mass of chattering Gryffindor students through. Remus's aching, tired reverie was broken. He wished he could sit up to see who it was he heard coming up the stairs to the boys' dormitory.

Soon, however, Remus saw from the twisted position in which he lay under his bedcovers, the familiar laughing faces of his three friends. Sirius had just told a joke and the other two were laughing. As they came closer to where he lay, he saw their faces grow solemn and concerned. Remus squinched his eyes shut, listening to the pounding in his head. But it wasn't loud enough to block out their hushed words.

"D'you think he's alright?"

"Remus never misses lessons, I dunno…"

"He said he had to go home or somewhere last night, I wish I knew what's wrong."

"Maybe he's just tired. We should leave him."

"Seems a bit odd. This is always happening! Yeah, I'm coming."

The voices trailed off, leaving Remus in a cold sweat. For the first time since full moon, he couldn't feel the ache in his body or his pounding head anymore.

He knew they only had good intentions in their wondering after him, but if they found out…

_Come on, Remus, be reasonable. You've had a full year already of friends, fun and inside jokes. You can't really have thought it would go on forever. That's very selfish, not to mention ignorant of you._

Yet despite his brain's chiding, Remus couldn't help thinking that it wasn't fair. Throughout his life, he had become accustomed to losing. Losing his childhood, losing his innocence, losing his feeling of security...

They would find out, that was the one certain thing in this mess. His friends would know, and there wasn't anything he could do to stop them finding out. His excuses for his continued absence on the night of full moon were wearing thin. It would not be long. And then…

He would lose his friends.

And then, he thought, as the tears formed unbidden in his liquid amber eyes, running down his pale cheeks to fall on the pillow below him, then he would be on his own. Until, of course, the monster inside of him devoured what he once was in a rage of lonely insanity. Then he would lose even himself.

But it was okay. Remus was used to losing.


End file.
